volume 7 issue 1
can't sleep -- clowns will eat me - blake bolger
ocean of headaches - blake bolger
grandmothers and grandfathers - james warren coldiron
antebellum - big hired assassin
not sick enough - copyright © 1992 eristikšs
stains - airisi
lunar elegies & old polaroids of a dancer - joshua marie wilkinson
eristikös home |
exsanguinate home
eristikös launched exsanguinate online in April 1996
Pitifully designing houses I will never live in.
Window shopping for ideas to sew and mangle.
I imagine they all have lovers for this...
for nights unfit for meditation or sandman tricks.
Even if it were violent, it'd still be sleep.
Gripped by logical desires for any drug inducing REM.
Laughing at situations re-analyzed for humor.
Slightly afraid of disappointing again and again.
Slightly afraid of another nightmare.
I could write an infomercial for insomnia --
but no self help. Not at 6 am,
alone,
amid a burnt but still sizzling half-life.
Special herb teas, and reading boring books
just make my tongue bitter, and output more words.
Crows caw a dawn of dead candles and smoke butts.
Wishing I could save all my friends from fear.
Wishing for my freedom to be bought easily.
How can I change everything from frozen to fluid?
Writing mental memos to the gods for change.
Just staring at the ceiling like a little kid.
I decide rain would be the perfect lullaby.
and wait to grow wings. wait to fall.
sometimes the days just seem to shine too brightly
and the wind picks you up
into space
into poppy fields
and your head wont hurt ever.
sometimes i can't see at all with even beauty in my way
and everything slides like forgetting
a dream
a life
and there aren't enough saviors.
sometimes, like now, i am 10,000 feet underwater
and my mind is exploding
under the sea
under gods feet
and i am so fucking ready to be seaweed and sand.
We can mourn and mourn
All those who perished
In sickness, in genocide...
In purges, in suicide...
And, perhaps, miss that joy
In realizing how
Grandmothers and grandfathers
Carried heart and life
Beyond wounds and despair
To gently, sweetly
Send light forward to
Descendants they would not meet.
there used to be
a tremendous appreciation
for artistic endeavors.
now, there is only an act of appreciation.
there used to be magnificent statues
built in honor of the chosen few.
now, there are only photographs
of the artist's epitaph.
o, how they have forgotten us my friend,
as our remains are spread over barren soil.
our tempers appeased by xeroxed copies of hamlet.
our words pacified by men with laconic tongues.
our minds are mutilated by labor.
our inspirations are murdered by wanton desires.
we struggle to maintain at minimum,
at least, one creative thought.
this desperation is what ails me the most.
we used to be so courageous;
braver than rattlesnakes.
now, we are all just ruled by indolence,
and worst yet, politics.
forgive us artists for walking on your petunias.
your grand gardens of indulgence
and your syphilitic, sybaritic trophy rooms.
a thousand nights of fever, justifiably so
very upright.
very still.
very uptight.
very full --
of the sort of human fluids
that block the breathing passages
that block the sinuses
that block the ear canals.
And,
I know -- but I must work to remember --
that I am hallucinating.
I cannot swallow
I cannot hear
and worse
now I can no longer lie down
because my back is tired of sagging in my sleep.
Feverish
dehydrating
I can barely move,
my head, swollen and heavy
my eyes, aching from the pressure in and out
my nose, as if I was cracked
by a baseball bat across the face.
And,
I know -- but I must work to remember --
that I am hallucinating.
I should --
I must --
rise to drink
if I am to become well again --
then suddenly it occurs to me
that I have never been 'well.'
So I remain
very upright
very still
very uptight
very full.
I force my eyes open
to keep my mind clear.
I know -- but still I must work to remember --
that it is the delirium;
fever always makes my subconscious, so vivid
and my reality, so far and unreal.
You are in the room.
You lie within arms reach on the floor.
If I drop my hand over the edge of the bed,
I will feel your bare shoulder.
"How did you get in?" I ask
but I do not remember the response.
I am swimming.
I am asleep though I think I am awake.
For hours in this state
I have been testing what to say to you
and assessing your responses.
With my imaginary remote control
I erase the scenes which do not work
and replay the ones which do.
It seems so real...
but I must
I must
I must remember
that I am hallucinating.
Crimson blinds cover the eyes
as pain
sears through the soul
and glancing up to see the
wild
horses run through the prairie clouds
and the moon
turns to a man who laughs at the clowns in the brilliant
circus
holding his belly and drinking an ale poured by a woman in a blue dress
surrounded by abstract Mozart with a hint of cilantro and a touch of spice
on the food to make him choke as he holds his throat
gasping for the
air that protects the great mother and her proudest achievements while
the sun looks back and glances at all he leaves cold in the rain with no
umbrella
waiting for the city bus with the driver who has platinum hair and
diamonds decorating her fingers
with a cheap salary on which she supports a family of four
with food and thoughts
and a man whose idea of a Sunday is chocolate and god mixed and served over
vanilla ice cream
and all the while laughing at the clowns and watching the
bullet
leave trails of red spines on the brand new carpet as the window shades
are drawn to
leave the horses where they belong
[text removed at the request of the artist]
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timestamp November 2020